i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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