Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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