i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
