I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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