I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
