How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
