there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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