1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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