You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
