she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
