If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
