When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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