My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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