there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
