In the future we'll all be gay
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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