she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
