You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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