i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
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If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
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how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.