she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
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I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
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Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.