WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
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Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
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Watching her eat just hurts me
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"