we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My dick has a subreddit
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.