I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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