my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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