I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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