god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My ATM looks so different sober.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
