after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.