everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
