they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
