And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
