atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
