All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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