Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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