So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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