man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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