dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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