i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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