I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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