Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
