Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
