toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
