they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
