Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
