my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
