She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
