in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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