I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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