I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
