he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
