I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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