I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
