The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
