dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
