seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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