see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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