so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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