why im i the only drunk person in the library?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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