I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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