i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
