Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
